Back to the Basics

Sports Club Field, 6pm (with bub)
1 lap - jogging
1 lap - walking
2/3 lap - jogging

Where do you see yourself in five years?

I don't know. Five years this Saturday. Usually hiding under a rock at this point so close to the date. No wonder I've been sleeping in like crazy. Bub going to be away most of the weekend. Rehearsals and work and such. Wanted to tell him but didn't. Don't want to seem like one that won't let go of the past. Lord knows he already sees me that way. Invited to partake in tomfoolery with the fam all weekend and almost passed it up to stay at home and "relax" but figured the worse thing in the world would be for me to be alone. Don't know what to do with myself lately. Feeling productive but not. Motivated but not. Many things to keep me busy. Only engaging in some. Trying to get back to writing.

Round and round in circles
In a line with a number that hasn't been called yet and most likely never will be
Why not tell me what's going on? Last but most important to know?

Being

in this relationship is a lot harder to navigate than I anticipated. I don't know what I was thinking... two years ago there was so much uncertainty in my life with regards to relationships and school and work. Just two years ago, I graduated from the GSE. I was going out all the time or at least every Thursday and Friday, juggling friendships and introducing new ones. I was also inviting emotional intimacy to him when I probably had no right to do soand no forethought or desire to think about the consequences. A broken marriage, inconsistent trust, passion over comfort than comfort over passion, sharing, sharing, sharing now withdrawing, hiding, scary, the past pushing its way into our lives at every chance it gets... it's all wrapped up in this story that we have that sometimes makes me incredibly sad when I think about it. So I try not to think about it.

What do I even want from this relationship? I'm embroiled in a cliche internal struggle where one part of me says I am not and will never be ready for an intimate relationship and that it is unfair to the other to even try. The other part of me says you really do want a loving, supportive, open relationship but don't know how to do it

I think in the past I knew what I contributed to his life. I think I was compassionate, understanding, easy to talk to, fun. I am not so sure that I feel those ways anymore. I feel that as much as he says I don't trust him, that he no longer trusts me. That everything is something to be kept in. Last night he was so out of it. Saddish. I knew it. He talked to me about the stresses of the class he is taking. I believe it's a big part of his stress.. but I believe there are other things, as well. Perrhaps I'm one of them... Or maybe he's right and every time he confides in me I say there must be more to the story. Either way, as time goes by I think we are talking about less and sharing less and it just doesn't feel good.

I am feeling very alone in some ways lately. Uncertain about what i want and what he wants and what I need to do and what I should just give up to God.. what does he want from me what hasn't he resolved in his head about the past.. what have I neglected... can i be in a relationship where the person is uncertain about certain things that I know I want? Is it fair to do that? Am I just looking for a way out? Does he want a way out? Should I still be worrying that I am a distraction?

To me, he says he appreciates me that he loves me that I'm smart and compassionate and funny. What does he tell others? Maybe that I'm manipulative and jealous and scared all the time. Maybe this is who I really am. If I told others about him, what would I say? Probably wrap it up very neatly and tie it with a bow.

I'm rambling. I can't help it. I think I just need some time to think.

Day 28 - March 24, 2007

Incline Chest Press DB - 10, 12, 15x12
Chest Flye Machine - 30x10, 6, 8
Flat Chest Press DB - 10x10, 12x10

Lat Pull Down - 40, 50, 60x10
TBar - NWx10, 5x10(2)
Lat Row - 30x10, 37.5x10, 45x10

Military Press - 10x12(3)
Superset -
Upright Row 15, 25, 20x10 / Front Raises 10x10(3)
Lateral Raises - 5x10(3)

Elliptical - 6 minutes

Day 27 - Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Squat Machine - 40, 60, 70, 80x12
Superset - Leg Curl/Extension - 30, 35, 40x10
Toe Press - 50x30, 70x20, 70x20
Calf Raise Machine - NWx10

Bicycle - 10 minutes

W/James - felt very tired today

The mirror your holding up to me shows that I am

• irrational, distrustful, neurotic, unfair, impatient, manic, guarded
• second place, baggage claim

Day 26 - March 12, 2007

Arnold Press - 10x10(2); 10x7
Military Press - 10x10
Superset
Upright Row - 15, 20, 25x10
Front Raises - 15x10(3)
Lateral Raises - 5x10; 8x10(2)
Anterior Raises - 5x10(2)

EZ Curls - 15x10, 20x10(2)
Hammer Curls - 8x10; 10x6; 8x10

Triceps Machine - 20, 25, 30x10
Overhead Triceps Press - 15x10(3)

Elliptical Machine - 30 minutes (271 calories although I was very not slow about it!)

6:45pm - 8:15pm

Day 25 - March 8, 2007

Lat Pulldown Machine - 40, 55, 55x10
TBar - NWx10, 5x10(2)
Lat Row Machine - 45, 37.5, 45x10
Dumbbell Pullover - 15, 20, 20x10
Back Extension Machine - 70, 80, 90x10 - cheated a little on the 90

Stationary Bike - 15 minutes

Day 24 - March 7, 2007

Incumbent Bike - 10 minutes

Squat - 40, 50, 60, 70x12
Abductor Machine - 30, 35, 40x12
Superset -
Leg Extension - 30, 35, 40x10
Leg Curl - 30, 35, 40x10
Calf Press - 90x20(2); 100x10
Single Leg CP - 50x10(2)
Calf Press - 50x50
Adductor - 30, 35, 40x12

ARC Trainer - 20 minutes

Day 23 - March 6, 2007

Incumbent bike - 10 minutes

Arnold Press - (different dumbbell set) - 10x10(2); 10x6 - really f'in hard
Military Press - 10x10
Superset -
Upright Row - 15, 20, 25x10 -hard but not tear or curse inducing
Front Raises - 15x10(3)
-next time need to incorporate Lateral Raises!!

EZ Curl - 15x10; 20x10(2); 20x7 (b/c Rosi came to bother me)
Incline Dumbbell Curls - 8x10; 10x10(2)

Triceps Machine - 25x12; 30x12; 35x3 (too fucking hard); 30x8
Nosebreakers - 15x10(3)

Incumbent Machine - 35 minutes

Day 22 - March 5, 2007

Went to Werblin at 5:30 - ridiculously packed for spring breakers
Went to Livingston - not bad

Incumbent Bike - 35 minutes - 6 miles

Day 22 - March 5, 2007

Went to Werblin at 5:30 - ridiculously packed for spring breakers
Went to Livingston - not bad

Incumbent Bike - 35 minutes - 6 miles

Day 21 - March 3, 2007

Lat Pull Down - 40x10(3)
Narrow Grip Rows - 30x10, 37.5x10, 45x10
Dumbbell Pullover - 12x10(3)
One Armed Lat Row - 12x10(2)
Hyperextension - NWx10, 10x10(2)

Calf Press - 110x10

Elliptical Machine - 30 minutes

Chest Butterfly Machine - 30x10(3)
Chest Press - NWx8(3)

10:45-11:45am

Day 20 - March 1, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 35 minutes

6-7pm

Girlishly Vent

wondering if he is going to decide to meet up with her. Driving me a little insane waiting to hear. Actually, that's not true. For the most part I don't even remember, but then when I DO remember I get all worried and anxious like why? Why?! In all honesty though I think I am slowly getting better with the whole trust thing. This corny book might actually be helping - well, that coupled with the fact that I am also very slowly feeling a little more confident about myself.

Anyways, I am wondering if I should bring it up again. The next to the last time I did he had said he already forgot about it and he only remembers when I bring it up. The last time he said he still wasn't sure if he wanted to go ahead and do it. Ugh ugh ugh. Why? Why?!? I honestly would be hard pressed to understand why he would want to other than to see what this woman is up to and perhaps for a bit of confidence boosting. But maybe that's just me.

On another note, even with all my neuroses, I think I'm a pretty damn good girlfriend. (I can and should do my own confidence boosting at times)

Side Note: Redo resume - send to Jeannie; re-do resume with retail - send to Glenda
Exciting!

Day 19 - February 28, 2007

Sitting Calf Raises - NWx10(3)

Squats - 30, 40, 50, 60x10
Toe Presses - 110x15
Superset -
Leg Extension - 30, 35, 40x10
Leg Curl - 30, 35, 40x10
Toe Presses - 110x15(2)
(single leg - 50x20)
Sitting Calf Raises - NWx10(3)

Elliptical Machine - 15 minutes

5:45pm - 6:50pm

Day 18 - February 27, 2007

Arnold Press - 12, 12, 15x10
Superset -
Upright Row - 15x10; 20x10(2)
Front Raises - 15x10(3)

EZ Curl - 15x10(2); 20x10
Incline Dumbbell - 8x10(2); 10x8

Standing Overhead Press - 12x10; 15x10; 20x8
Triceps extension machine - 30x8; 20x10; 25x10

Day 17 - February 24, 2007

Assisted Pull Up Machine - 80, 70x10
T-Bar - 5x10(3)

Elliptical Machine - 25 minutes

Lat Row - 30x10; 37.5x10(2)
Dumbbell Pullover - 12x10(3)
Hyperextension Machine (wack one) - 30x10, 50x10, 70x10

My Practical and Fantastical Guesses at His Thoughts.. and my own Thoughts

HIS

• Kristine is so fucking uptight about everything
• Kristine's got so many rules and policies and procedures and protocols
• I need to drink to get through the night
• I need to drink with other people so I can go home and seem somewhat happy
• I don't need another mother
• She needs to get a life so she can stay out of mine and what I do when I'm not with her
• All she does is nag, nag, nag, bitch, bitch, bitch, cry, cry, cry
• The house is no longer a safe place

HERS

• I am starting to want a drink at the end of the night which is not good
• I am tired of also feeling like the bad guy for being upset about things. It's not a good feeling for me either.
• I am not unappreciative. I think I'm pretty damn appreciative and supportive a lot of times.
• I think I'm a pretty good girlfriend. I do.
• Maybe I'm just sad that you have so many outside things that bring you away from home... and not only that but you come back drunk... maybe I'm lonely and that's my fault but it's kind of painful when you come home drunk.
• Maybe I just need to get out more.

Whatever. I need a fucking drinking myself

whatever he didn't invite me.

all of these frustrations and anxieties will fade once i get in control of my own social situation. i am in search of a better network. the goal is to have other things to do and people to talk to and meet with that have absolutely nothing to do with him.

the goal is to understand that, yes, anything can happen. and if the something that happens involves my heart being temporarily broken - because it won't ever be broken forever - then so be it. can't worry about it now.

i have a tendency when in a relationship to put my other friends and social opportunities on the backburner. that should not be happening. plenty of people want to talk to me and spend time with me. let's give them the time of day, from now on, ok, kristine?

Day 16 - February 20, 2007

Squat Machine - 30,40,50x12; 60x10
Superset -
Leg Extension - 20x10(3)
Leg Curl - 30x10(3)
Adductor - 30, 35, 40x15
Abductor - 30, 35, 40x12
Toe Press - 90x20, 100x20, 110x16
Hammer Calf - NWx10(3)

Roman Chair - 10, 13, 24

Elliptical Machine - 15 minutes

Back Extension - 10(2)

Incline Chest Press Machine - 20x10(3)

5pm - 6:45pm

In my senior English class, I was so moved by both the book that we were discussing and the actual discussing that was taking place, that I put my hand up to comment rather sheepishly replying to the more common somewhat-embarrassing random-call-on. My teacher, Mrs. Gleason was, quite literally, taken aback. She took two small, misguided steps back and banged the side of her hip on her desk. "Samantha?" she half-asked.

"I think I can really identify with what Ellison was writing about. Invisibility. Existing rather than living..." I trailed off when I noticed a couple of the black kids in my class looking at me strangely. Not angrily. Just strangely, as if to silently say, "Are you for real, white girl?" But I was for real. I was willing to bet anything that those three kids had never really noticed me before. Had sat next to me, scooched past my desk, maybe knocking a pencil or piece of paper off with their overstuffed bookbags or coats. Maybe they once asked me for a pencil or piece of paper and I eagerly provided. Still, if I were, for some reason, never to return to class again, I'm confident that not one of them would ask where I was or even feel the sense that someone or something was missing.

To be fair, it's not just the black kids in my twelfth grade english class that wouldn't notice. All of most everyone in the class I'm talking about. I'm the kind of girl that has to remind every single person she meets for the second (and sometimes third) time that they had already met before. If only I was older, at least then, some of those people would say, "Ah, of course" if only because they want to secure a loose connection for networking purposes. Teenagers aren't in that mindset. I tell someone that we've met before and they shrug, look past me and around the room. They don't leave right away. Only when they find someone more attractive or interesting to talk to.

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not ugly. I went through a phase in sophomore year when I obsessed about my disgustingly repellent appearance. That, I thought, was definitely why no one seemed very interested in knowing me or talking to me or being my friend. I was disgusting people! They couldn't bare to look at me! But I got over that. I got over it because it was more teenage angst than it was truthful observation. I have brownish, wavy-ish hair. Fairly straight teeth (my canines are pretty sharp looking though but I like them). Blue eyes, even. People pay money for tiny little discs of plastic the color of my real eyes. I'm no beauty pageant queen. But I'm not the kind of girl that some guy would take to a pig party, either. To tell you the truth, I don't even know if pig parties ever or still do exist. You know what they are don't you? The parties where frat guys compete to bring the most unattractive girls they can possibly find. I've only seen them depicted on 80s teen movies and how true to life can those be?

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not a complete depressive. I don't feel like I'm sitting under a bell jar. At least not all the time. I think it's pretty normal to feel a little stifled and bell-jarred every once in a while.

Day 15, February 19, 2007

Biceps Machine - 20x10(2), 15x10, 10x10
Superset -
Incline Bicep Curls - 8x10(2)
Concentration Curls - 8x8(2)

Military Press - 12x10(3)
Superset -
Upright Row - 15x10(2); 20x10
Front Raise - 10x10(2); 15x10

Elliptical Machine - 30 minutes (260 calories)

Rowing Machine - 11 minutes

Triceps Extension (Machine) - 15x10, 20x10, 25x10

Day 14 - February 18, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 14 minutes

Squat Machine - 10, 30, 30x10
Superset -
Leg Extension - 20, 20, 30x10 / Leg Curl 30x10(3)
Calf Machine - 90, 100, 110x20
Butt Blaster - 37.5x10

Elliptical Machine - 11 minutes

T-Bar - NWx10(3)
Lat Row narrow grip - 30x10(3)
Back Extension - NWx15(2); NWx12 - hard as a bitch

The Break Up

I asked him yesterday something pretty lame and somewhat fishing-for-some-affectionish:

After viewing the terribly disappointing movie, The Break Up, I said to him, "Wouldn't it be so sad if we broke up." to which he replied "Yes, very sad."

I couldn't help but wonder then and now if things like the break up of a relationship can affect someone as much if they've been through such things as divorce. Did he think in his head that "Yes, it would be sad but I would get over it eventually"? He's been through some fairly difficult situations with his ex-wife and the other woman that I don't know what to call. Is all of that working to my disadvantage (and possibly his advantage)?

I can't help but feel sometimes that my experience with him is and will continue to be molded by his experiences with them. Yes, this is true for all past relationships... but for some reason, and maybe it's simply because I am drawn to all things obsessive and neurotic, I wonder if past engagements and marriage have an even stronger effect on who we are a couple are and what we will become.

I feel as if I will always be the one compared to those two... because those two meant enough to ask the question of. How scary to imagine being in a relationship with someone who asked that question twice and who probably has no interest in ever asking it again. Sometimes I like to tell myself that I wouldn't want it anyways... but I'm unsure if that's true. Definitely not now or even close to now... but my staff member says that even if I knew I wanted something for sure, I would never say it out loud, probably wouldn't even admit it to myself.

On another note, often I say that I am neurotic and obssessive. Is it truly obssessive and neurotic to wonder these things? I don't think so. I think I definitely distance myself when I am particularly insecure and that is a problem for sure. But I think it's not so terribly unrealistic or impractical to wonder about these things... I think I'm babbling and its because it s Friday afternoon.

I will write every day even if it makes no sense.
I will write every day even if I'm the only one reading this.
I will write every day even if only one paragraph.

Day 13 - February 15, 2007

Military Press - 10x12; Arnold Press - 10x10, 10x8
Superset -
Upright Row (15) / Front Raises (10) - x10(3)

EZ Curl - 15x10 (2), 20x10
Superset -
Incline Dumbbell - 16x10(3); Concentration Curls 8x8(2), 8x3

Overhead Press - 12x10(3)

Elliptical - 5 minutes

Machine Squat - 30x10(2), 40x10

6:45-7:45pm

Wrap your secrets tight around you or bury them in the snow
In due time, even you will forget that they exist.

For once, let me pretend that our love was not built on a graveyard
and our happiness not on the sadness of others

Will I forever be in the dark while you explore your possibilities?
Maybe another will light my way until you decide to come home.

I call this

my wait and see approach.

Day 12 - February 12, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 37 minutes, 304 cals
Rowing Machine - 11 minutes

Calf Press - 90x30, 100x25, 110x20
single leg 30x30

6pm-7pm

Day 11 - February 11, 2007

Overhead Press - 10x10, 12x10 (3)
Superset -
Upright Rows - 15x10 (3)
Front Raises - 10x10 (3)

Superset -
Incline Dummbells (both - 8x2=16) - 16 x 12 (3)
Concentration Curls - 8x8 (3)

Triceps Dip (Assisted Machine) - 80x10, 70x10 (2)

Leg Press - 45x10 (3)
Superset -
Leg Extension - 30x8 --> 25x2, 25x10 (2)
Leg Curl - 30x10 (3)
Calf Presses - 90x20, 100x15, 110x10

Not feeling so motivated today, half, half-assed today

12:45-1:45pm

Day 10 - February 8, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 28 minutes
Rowing Machine - 20 minutes - I like it!

Day 9 - February 7, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 20 minutes only

Assisted Pull Up Machine - 80x10, 70x10, 80x10
Chest Press Dumbbell - 12x10(3)
TBar - NWx10(3)
Seated Lat Rows Machine - 30x10(3)
Hyperextension - NWx12(3)
Chest Butterfly Machine - 30x10(2); 30x8 - did it incorrectly - biceps hurt

5:40-6:45pm

Day 8 - February 5, 2007

Leg Press - 90x10(3) - last was difficult
Toe Press - 90x25, 100x20, 110x15; single leg 30x20
Leg Extension - 30x10 -hardishly

Elliptical - 28 minutes - not too hard but sweatyish!

Adduction - 30x10
Abduction - 30x10, 35x10, 40x10

Leg Curl - 30x10(3)

5:40pm-6:40pm

Day 7 - February 4, 2007

Shoulder Press - 10x10; 15x10 (2)
Superset - Upright Row (15); Front Raises (10) - x10 (3)
Superset - Seated One Armed Dumbbell Curl (8); Two Armed Dumbbell Curl (8) - x10 (3)
Overhead Tricep - 10x10; 12x10; 15x10
Tricep Dip - 80x10(3)

Elliptical Machine - 30 minutes

1:45pm- 3:00pm

Day 6 - February 3, 2007

Elliptical - 10 minutes warm up

Assisted Pull Up - 80x10 (2)
T-Bar - NW x 10 (3) - difficult but in a good way
Sitting Lat Rows (Narrow Grip) - 30 x 10 (3) - somewhat easy
Dumbbell Pullovers - 10 x 10 (2) - stretchy, felt very tight
Hyperextension - NW x 10 (3) hard as a mutha
Bench Press (bar) - NW x 6 spotted - hard
Bench Press (DB) - 20 (10 lb. dumbbells) x 8, 20 x 8 --> 10 - hard but not too taxing
Butterfly Machine - 30 x 10 (3) - focused on form, might be able to go up 7.5 lb

Elliptical - 5 minutes

10:30am - 11:45 am

Day 5 - Thursday, February 1, 2007

Superset - Adductor / Abductor 30x10 (3) (add - fairly easy; abd - slightly difficult)

Elliptical Machine - 25 minutes, moderate pace (easy)

Leg Press - 90x10(3) - fairly difficult

Calf Press - 90 x 10 (10 pulse); 110 x 10 (10 pulse); 130 x 10 (10 pulse)
single leg (50 x10) hard as hell!

5:45pm - 6:45pm

I will not

• freak out about money, even though I just inherited a tremendous debt and sweat every time I see it on my online credit statement
• allow the lack of recognition for my work to mean that I will not work my hardest while I'm here
• forget that I am a generally good person with lots of things/characteristics to be proud of
• be scared to speak up... I can be pretty funny, interesting, and helpful
• waste my time worrying or sleeping my problems away because they never go away
• obsess over frien's feelings for me or for others....
• forget that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I do with him... if it is ever less than that, I don't need the wrinkles caused by worry and endless comparison
• stop going to the gym for an extended period of time again. It keeps me grounded, it helps me tune out the world, and it makes me feel good about myself and my appearance
• drink soda more than once a week

Day 4 - Monday, January 29, 2007

Elliptical - 30 minutes - good pace, fake intervals, fairly easy

No lifting - legs sore as all hell

5:30-6pm

Day 3 - Friday, January 26, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 30 minutes, pretty damn easy
Hyperextension - 10x10 (2)

5:30-6:15pm

Day 2 - Thursday, January 25, 2007

Sitting Calf Presses - (both) 50, 70, 90, 110x10 (single) 30x16(l) 30x20(r)

Elliptical - 30 minutes - pretty difficult

Assisted Pull Ups - 70, 80, 80x10

5:15-6pm

Day 1, Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Elliptical for 30 minutes - around 150 rpm
Leg Press - 50x10, 70x10, 80x10 - difficult but doable
Leg Extension - 30x8, 30x8, 30x8 - moderately difficult
Leg Curl - 20x10, 25x10, 30x10 - moderate

6-7pm

help wanted: in the removal of excess baggage.





she is spread wide ready to receive
but the rival beckons and her lover leaves

i wouldn't have.
and you would.

i'd rather keep my thoughts to myself than have them declared lunacy.

comparisons comparisons
secrets secrets
cynicism

forever runner up. runner up forever? not even first, but second.
my baby. my sweet potato pie. my sugar.
my girlfriend, my frien, my keep-under-wraps.

this friend. this classmate. this prom date.
this other. this asian. this doesn't-have-a-clue.

one date. one night. one light-hearted.
one smile. one fuck. one omission.

she funny. she motivating. she supportive.
she quiet. she moody. she contemplative.

this fun. th

don't lie if you have a terrible memory.

why call my doubts madness? lunacy?
we have both seen them proven.

you left me ashore to go test the waters
while you felt the waves i got buried in sand

if freedom is what you desired then why did you tie my hands?
Freedom is not enough without the oppression of others

My rivals laugh at me behind my back and to my face but you are not so bold
Only behind their backs do you love me

When will we talk again? We've talked mostly about me but he has his own walls built though he won't acknowledge them.

Shared Theme

The heart makes deals without the mind's approval

I won't ask for the same passion you gave my rival

You bring your ties with you to our bed

I never ask for what I want, only look for what I fear

A joke is told. A wide, toothy grin, enveloped by deep creases (not wrinkles) from years of laughing and smiling accompanies the punchline. The desired effect of most aspiring comics, audience laughter, is not produced, neither in the highly-coveted belly rumble, or in the less satisfying, but acceptable, chuckle. Only the low, exaggerated groans from a pair of women can be heard, their eyes rolling down and then upwards in an arc, eyelids drooping to feign ennui. To most, this sort of response would elicit embarrassment, shame, perhaps the immediate rewind of the joke in one's mind, searching for the adjustment that would have secured at the very least, a half-hearted smirk.

A joke is a hard thing to tell. And to recover from a bad one is daunting to even the most thick-skinned of us. So why do the groans from his audience, their tongues wagging as if gagging, delight him so much?

His youngest daughter finds the perfect opportunity to attempt to embarrass him. Around the glass-topped kitchen table, they have gathered. The lazy susan sits in the middle, announcing to everyone its perfect uselessness on so small a table. They pluck grapes from the basket it holds and trade stories and memories. She sets in, recounting her earliest childhood memory:

I was only three or four-years-old. We were still living in the apartment back then and you were mean as ever. You still are, but in Newark, you took meanness to a whole 'nother level. Did you know I used to call you "Skeletor" behind your back? He's He-Man's enemy. He was scary and evil and nobody liked him. Anyways, do you remember this? Making ramen noodles for me in the kitchen and me begging to take the bowl out to the living room, where I could happily eat my soup and enjoy quality television programming at the very same time? You taunted me. "Don't drop that soup. Don't you drop it, you hear me?" I heard you. I held on to the handles of that bowl so tight but you followed me out to the other room, and you said, "If you drop that I'll make you eat it off the floor." Of course, I dropped it. And you made me get on my knees and slurp up at least three noodles before mommy came in and put an end to all the horror.

His eyes are watering and his lips are pursed together into a thin purple line. Is this a display of a father's regret? Everyone pauses. But the thin purple line breaks long enough to let a giggle escape, and everyone's straight backs become rounded again. They laugh, even the storyteller, exclaiming that the trauma caused by that experience would need at least three years of extensive counseling.

...

Random Insecurity

Sometimes I worry if he will ever love me as much as he did her. To be expanded upon at another time for I haven't the energy or desire to worry about it right now. Luckily for me, the feeling was fleeting and left almost as soon as I began writing.

Speechless

I had a terribly long and painful meeting with a grandparent today. This woman is the epitome of maarte. Everything she says must be twisted in every which direction before arriving at the intended (or perhaps unintended) point, and once all engaged parties arrive at said point, they are overwhelmed with a very tired, confused, and disoriented feeling, as if one has travelled four days just to get across the street. All of the topics that she covers in a conversation seem to flow together seamlessly if you choose not to focus on the words, which I so often did today. One minute she is discussing the occult, and the terrible hold it is threatening to have on her son, the next minute she is discussing fashion, and her opinions on what is truly in, or out, of style. Although most of what she said during the two hours we spent together was pure drivel, there was one thing that stuck out in my head and proved somewhat useful to me. She was going on and on about how perceptive she is and how she wishes her grandson could be half as perceptive as she. "That's why we have two eyes, two ears, and only one mouth, see? We need to observe and listen, before we can even TRY to speak." Lord knows how a woman like this, who seems to dare every person she's in a "conversation" with to get a word in or two, could go around citing that as her motto. But whatever, I like it. It gives me an excuse for my diffidence: careful observation and listening.

On the Showing of Affection

• How much can I say that hasn't been heard before, or promised, or sworn on a bible (or some other equally arbitrary book)?
• How much can I say before it becomes obvious that I have no idea how to put feelings to words without sounding trite or unsure (for everything I say, whether it's felt superficially or deeply, seems to come out with diffidence, as if asking a question rather than making a statement)?
• What feelings can I attempt to describe would bring him pleasure? And which would be barely be met with a lifting of the eyes from a well-written book?
• How much affection bestowed would result in monotony? How little before a starving esteem looked for affection in other people and places?
• Where words fail, does touch excel and vice versa? In what sort of proportion should both be used to convey love? respect? appreciation?

Words Fell

So apparently, according to Ray Bradbury in the Art of Writing, I should be keeping a list of words that might serve as a starting point or inspiration for my writing. Here's what I've come across so far that I've enjoyed reading or saying, or wished I could say:

• providence - n. a manifestation of divine care or direction
• insipid - adj. without distinctive, interesting, or stimulating qualities; vapid
• prodigious - adj. extraordinary in size, amount, extent, degree, force, etc.
• alacrity - n. cheerful readiness, promptness, or willingness
• despondent - adj. feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom
• fait accompli - Fr. an accomplished fact; a thing already done
• brevity - n. the quality of expressing much in few words: Brevity is the soul of wit.
• formidable - adj. causing fear, apprehension, or dread
• malaise - n. a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort
• contrition - n. sincere penitence or remorse
• attrition - n. a reduction or decrease in number, size, or strength
• diffident - adj. lacking confidence in one's own ability, worth, or fitness; timid, shy; restrained or reserved in manner, conduct, etc.

• elusive
• strained
• estranged
• contrary
• monotonous
• unabridged/abridged
• impressive
• deceitful
• laud
• brazen
• calibrate
• dignify

Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen

• Elinor Dashwood
• Marianne Dashwood
• Edward Ferrars
• Colonel Brandon
• Mr. Willoughby

Elinor Dashwood is in love with Edward Ferrars, the brother of her sister in law. Marianne Dashwood is in love with Mr. Willoughby, an aquaintance. Both men show affection and interest to the sisters. Both men also become engaged to other women, leaving the two sisters heartbroken and confused, although each displaying these feelings through completely different thoughts and behaviors.

Broad Strokes

There are few good memories of my father before the time I turned eight. Most of what I can remember is his face, brows furrowed with disapproval and lips pursed, two signs which invariably mean that, in public, I have done something intolerable and that later, in private, I will find out just how badly I'd performed. In my head, he seemed always to be yelling. Whether or not that's true, it's hard to say, of course, what with the mind deciding that the past ought to be looked upon as broad strokes.

• Just as Picasso's nudes solicit an immediate response of adoration or repudiation, any event or person dated further back than five years is instantly assigned as mostly good or mostly bad.
• Anything above ten becomes cemented as eternally evil or untouchably pristine.
• Sure, those initially turned off to a piece can sit and study and pluck out instances of genius or beauty, but the initial judgment remains and is usually always part of the description of one's opinion: "At first I thought it reprehensible, until I noticed ...blah blah blah."
• Even those that continue to offer trite condolescences such as "Everything happens for a reason" (yes, even those sad few that own a poster or mug stating the same or similar sentiments) have made some sort of judgment in their head about everything and everybody they've encountered.

I've discovered that how and what I write are usually dependent on the book or author that I'm currently reading. If the path to being a good writer is to read, how can I be sure that I'm writing what I want to write and not what I like to read?

Someone To Tell, Ari Hest

Lend me your ears tonight
I am venturing out
I am leaving myself
I just need you to hear me out
And it just don't seem right
Without someone to tell

Willoughby, Sense and Sensibility Chapter 10

"Brandon is just the kind of man whom everybody speaks well of, and nobody cares about; whom all are delighted to see, and nobody remembers to talk to."

Here I Go Again

Starting a new blog, although this time, mainly just for me to read. I have no intentions of publicizing this thing. I've only just decided today to do a number of things to improve my quality of life over the next year, few years, lifetime. Those include such things as going to the gym, quitting smoking, reading more, writing more, being a better friend, lover, sister, daughter, etc. and keeping a journal of my progress (or lack thereof) throughout the whole thing. Here's to a new year (which I am acknowledging, as is customary, a few days later than its true beginning).

January Books To Read

• Sense and Sensibility
• Little Women
• Jesus' Son
• Alice Munro