Day 19 - February 28, 2007

Sitting Calf Raises - NWx10(3)

Squats - 30, 40, 50, 60x10
Toe Presses - 110x15
Superset -
Leg Extension - 30, 35, 40x10
Leg Curl - 30, 35, 40x10
Toe Presses - 110x15(2)
(single leg - 50x20)
Sitting Calf Raises - NWx10(3)

Elliptical Machine - 15 minutes

5:45pm - 6:50pm

Day 18 - February 27, 2007

Arnold Press - 12, 12, 15x10
Superset -
Upright Row - 15x10; 20x10(2)
Front Raises - 15x10(3)

EZ Curl - 15x10(2); 20x10
Incline Dumbbell - 8x10(2); 10x8

Standing Overhead Press - 12x10; 15x10; 20x8
Triceps extension machine - 30x8; 20x10; 25x10

Day 17 - February 24, 2007

Assisted Pull Up Machine - 80, 70x10
T-Bar - 5x10(3)

Elliptical Machine - 25 minutes

Lat Row - 30x10; 37.5x10(2)
Dumbbell Pullover - 12x10(3)
Hyperextension Machine (wack one) - 30x10, 50x10, 70x10

My Practical and Fantastical Guesses at His Thoughts.. and my own Thoughts

HIS

• Kristine is so fucking uptight about everything
• Kristine's got so many rules and policies and procedures and protocols
• I need to drink to get through the night
• I need to drink with other people so I can go home and seem somewhat happy
• I don't need another mother
• She needs to get a life so she can stay out of mine and what I do when I'm not with her
• All she does is nag, nag, nag, bitch, bitch, bitch, cry, cry, cry
• The house is no longer a safe place

HERS

• I am starting to want a drink at the end of the night which is not good
• I am tired of also feeling like the bad guy for being upset about things. It's not a good feeling for me either.
• I am not unappreciative. I think I'm pretty damn appreciative and supportive a lot of times.
• I think I'm a pretty good girlfriend. I do.
• Maybe I'm just sad that you have so many outside things that bring you away from home... and not only that but you come back drunk... maybe I'm lonely and that's my fault but it's kind of painful when you come home drunk.
• Maybe I just need to get out more.

Whatever. I need a fucking drinking myself

whatever he didn't invite me.

all of these frustrations and anxieties will fade once i get in control of my own social situation. i am in search of a better network. the goal is to have other things to do and people to talk to and meet with that have absolutely nothing to do with him.

the goal is to understand that, yes, anything can happen. and if the something that happens involves my heart being temporarily broken - because it won't ever be broken forever - then so be it. can't worry about it now.

i have a tendency when in a relationship to put my other friends and social opportunities on the backburner. that should not be happening. plenty of people want to talk to me and spend time with me. let's give them the time of day, from now on, ok, kristine?

Day 16 - February 20, 2007

Squat Machine - 30,40,50x12; 60x10
Superset -
Leg Extension - 20x10(3)
Leg Curl - 30x10(3)
Adductor - 30, 35, 40x15
Abductor - 30, 35, 40x12
Toe Press - 90x20, 100x20, 110x16
Hammer Calf - NWx10(3)

Roman Chair - 10, 13, 24

Elliptical Machine - 15 minutes

Back Extension - 10(2)

Incline Chest Press Machine - 20x10(3)

5pm - 6:45pm

In my senior English class, I was so moved by both the book that we were discussing and the actual discussing that was taking place, that I put my hand up to comment rather sheepishly replying to the more common somewhat-embarrassing random-call-on. My teacher, Mrs. Gleason was, quite literally, taken aback. She took two small, misguided steps back and banged the side of her hip on her desk. "Samantha?" she half-asked.

"I think I can really identify with what Ellison was writing about. Invisibility. Existing rather than living..." I trailed off when I noticed a couple of the black kids in my class looking at me strangely. Not angrily. Just strangely, as if to silently say, "Are you for real, white girl?" But I was for real. I was willing to bet anything that those three kids had never really noticed me before. Had sat next to me, scooched past my desk, maybe knocking a pencil or piece of paper off with their overstuffed bookbags or coats. Maybe they once asked me for a pencil or piece of paper and I eagerly provided. Still, if I were, for some reason, never to return to class again, I'm confident that not one of them would ask where I was or even feel the sense that someone or something was missing.

To be fair, it's not just the black kids in my twelfth grade english class that wouldn't notice. All of most everyone in the class I'm talking about. I'm the kind of girl that has to remind every single person she meets for the second (and sometimes third) time that they had already met before. If only I was older, at least then, some of those people would say, "Ah, of course" if only because they want to secure a loose connection for networking purposes. Teenagers aren't in that mindset. I tell someone that we've met before and they shrug, look past me and around the room. They don't leave right away. Only when they find someone more attractive or interesting to talk to.

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not ugly. I went through a phase in sophomore year when I obsessed about my disgustingly repellent appearance. That, I thought, was definitely why no one seemed very interested in knowing me or talking to me or being my friend. I was disgusting people! They couldn't bare to look at me! But I got over that. I got over it because it was more teenage angst than it was truthful observation. I have brownish, wavy-ish hair. Fairly straight teeth (my canines are pretty sharp looking though but I like them). Blue eyes, even. People pay money for tiny little discs of plastic the color of my real eyes. I'm no beauty pageant queen. But I'm not the kind of girl that some guy would take to a pig party, either. To tell you the truth, I don't even know if pig parties ever or still do exist. You know what they are don't you? The parties where frat guys compete to bring the most unattractive girls they can possibly find. I've only seen them depicted on 80s teen movies and how true to life can those be?

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not a complete depressive. I don't feel like I'm sitting under a bell jar. At least not all the time. I think it's pretty normal to feel a little stifled and bell-jarred every once in a while.

Day 15, February 19, 2007

Biceps Machine - 20x10(2), 15x10, 10x10
Superset -
Incline Bicep Curls - 8x10(2)
Concentration Curls - 8x8(2)

Military Press - 12x10(3)
Superset -
Upright Row - 15x10(2); 20x10
Front Raise - 10x10(2); 15x10

Elliptical Machine - 30 minutes (260 calories)

Rowing Machine - 11 minutes

Triceps Extension (Machine) - 15x10, 20x10, 25x10

Day 14 - February 18, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 14 minutes

Squat Machine - 10, 30, 30x10
Superset -
Leg Extension - 20, 20, 30x10 / Leg Curl 30x10(3)
Calf Machine - 90, 100, 110x20
Butt Blaster - 37.5x10

Elliptical Machine - 11 minutes

T-Bar - NWx10(3)
Lat Row narrow grip - 30x10(3)
Back Extension - NWx15(2); NWx12 - hard as a bitch

The Break Up

I asked him yesterday something pretty lame and somewhat fishing-for-some-affectionish:

After viewing the terribly disappointing movie, The Break Up, I said to him, "Wouldn't it be so sad if we broke up." to which he replied "Yes, very sad."

I couldn't help but wonder then and now if things like the break up of a relationship can affect someone as much if they've been through such things as divorce. Did he think in his head that "Yes, it would be sad but I would get over it eventually"? He's been through some fairly difficult situations with his ex-wife and the other woman that I don't know what to call. Is all of that working to my disadvantage (and possibly his advantage)?

I can't help but feel sometimes that my experience with him is and will continue to be molded by his experiences with them. Yes, this is true for all past relationships... but for some reason, and maybe it's simply because I am drawn to all things obsessive and neurotic, I wonder if past engagements and marriage have an even stronger effect on who we are a couple are and what we will become.

I feel as if I will always be the one compared to those two... because those two meant enough to ask the question of. How scary to imagine being in a relationship with someone who asked that question twice and who probably has no interest in ever asking it again. Sometimes I like to tell myself that I wouldn't want it anyways... but I'm unsure if that's true. Definitely not now or even close to now... but my staff member says that even if I knew I wanted something for sure, I would never say it out loud, probably wouldn't even admit it to myself.

On another note, often I say that I am neurotic and obssessive. Is it truly obssessive and neurotic to wonder these things? I don't think so. I think I definitely distance myself when I am particularly insecure and that is a problem for sure. But I think it's not so terribly unrealistic or impractical to wonder about these things... I think I'm babbling and its because it s Friday afternoon.

I will write every day even if it makes no sense.
I will write every day even if I'm the only one reading this.
I will write every day even if only one paragraph.

Day 13 - February 15, 2007

Military Press - 10x12; Arnold Press - 10x10, 10x8
Superset -
Upright Row (15) / Front Raises (10) - x10(3)

EZ Curl - 15x10 (2), 20x10
Superset -
Incline Dumbbell - 16x10(3); Concentration Curls 8x8(2), 8x3

Overhead Press - 12x10(3)

Elliptical - 5 minutes

Machine Squat - 30x10(2), 40x10

6:45-7:45pm

Wrap your secrets tight around you or bury them in the snow
In due time, even you will forget that they exist.

For once, let me pretend that our love was not built on a graveyard
and our happiness not on the sadness of others

Will I forever be in the dark while you explore your possibilities?
Maybe another will light my way until you decide to come home.

I call this

my wait and see approach.

Day 12 - February 12, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 37 minutes, 304 cals
Rowing Machine - 11 minutes

Calf Press - 90x30, 100x25, 110x20
single leg 30x30

6pm-7pm

Day 11 - February 11, 2007

Overhead Press - 10x10, 12x10 (3)
Superset -
Upright Rows - 15x10 (3)
Front Raises - 10x10 (3)

Superset -
Incline Dummbells (both - 8x2=16) - 16 x 12 (3)
Concentration Curls - 8x8 (3)

Triceps Dip (Assisted Machine) - 80x10, 70x10 (2)

Leg Press - 45x10 (3)
Superset -
Leg Extension - 30x8 --> 25x2, 25x10 (2)
Leg Curl - 30x10 (3)
Calf Presses - 90x20, 100x15, 110x10

Not feeling so motivated today, half, half-assed today

12:45-1:45pm

Day 10 - February 8, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 28 minutes
Rowing Machine - 20 minutes - I like it!

Day 9 - February 7, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 20 minutes only

Assisted Pull Up Machine - 80x10, 70x10, 80x10
Chest Press Dumbbell - 12x10(3)
TBar - NWx10(3)
Seated Lat Rows Machine - 30x10(3)
Hyperextension - NWx12(3)
Chest Butterfly Machine - 30x10(2); 30x8 - did it incorrectly - biceps hurt

5:40-6:45pm

Day 8 - February 5, 2007

Leg Press - 90x10(3) - last was difficult
Toe Press - 90x25, 100x20, 110x15; single leg 30x20
Leg Extension - 30x10 -hardishly

Elliptical - 28 minutes - not too hard but sweatyish!

Adduction - 30x10
Abduction - 30x10, 35x10, 40x10

Leg Curl - 30x10(3)

5:40pm-6:40pm

Day 7 - February 4, 2007

Shoulder Press - 10x10; 15x10 (2)
Superset - Upright Row (15); Front Raises (10) - x10 (3)
Superset - Seated One Armed Dumbbell Curl (8); Two Armed Dumbbell Curl (8) - x10 (3)
Overhead Tricep - 10x10; 12x10; 15x10
Tricep Dip - 80x10(3)

Elliptical Machine - 30 minutes

1:45pm- 3:00pm

Day 6 - February 3, 2007

Elliptical - 10 minutes warm up

Assisted Pull Up - 80x10 (2)
T-Bar - NW x 10 (3) - difficult but in a good way
Sitting Lat Rows (Narrow Grip) - 30 x 10 (3) - somewhat easy
Dumbbell Pullovers - 10 x 10 (2) - stretchy, felt very tight
Hyperextension - NW x 10 (3) hard as a mutha
Bench Press (bar) - NW x 6 spotted - hard
Bench Press (DB) - 20 (10 lb. dumbbells) x 8, 20 x 8 --> 10 - hard but not too taxing
Butterfly Machine - 30 x 10 (3) - focused on form, might be able to go up 7.5 lb

Elliptical - 5 minutes

10:30am - 11:45 am

Day 5 - Thursday, February 1, 2007

Superset - Adductor / Abductor 30x10 (3) (add - fairly easy; abd - slightly difficult)

Elliptical Machine - 25 minutes, moderate pace (easy)

Leg Press - 90x10(3) - fairly difficult

Calf Press - 90 x 10 (10 pulse); 110 x 10 (10 pulse); 130 x 10 (10 pulse)
single leg (50 x10) hard as hell!

5:45pm - 6:45pm