Round and round in circles
In a line with a number that hasn't been called yet and most likely never will be
Why not tell me what's going on? Last but most important to know?

Being

in this relationship is a lot harder to navigate than I anticipated. I don't know what I was thinking... two years ago there was so much uncertainty in my life with regards to relationships and school and work. Just two years ago, I graduated from the GSE. I was going out all the time or at least every Thursday and Friday, juggling friendships and introducing new ones. I was also inviting emotional intimacy to him when I probably had no right to do soand no forethought or desire to think about the consequences. A broken marriage, inconsistent trust, passion over comfort than comfort over passion, sharing, sharing, sharing now withdrawing, hiding, scary, the past pushing its way into our lives at every chance it gets... it's all wrapped up in this story that we have that sometimes makes me incredibly sad when I think about it. So I try not to think about it.

What do I even want from this relationship? I'm embroiled in a cliche internal struggle where one part of me says I am not and will never be ready for an intimate relationship and that it is unfair to the other to even try. The other part of me says you really do want a loving, supportive, open relationship but don't know how to do it

I think in the past I knew what I contributed to his life. I think I was compassionate, understanding, easy to talk to, fun. I am not so sure that I feel those ways anymore. I feel that as much as he says I don't trust him, that he no longer trusts me. That everything is something to be kept in. Last night he was so out of it. Saddish. I knew it. He talked to me about the stresses of the class he is taking. I believe it's a big part of his stress.. but I believe there are other things, as well. Perrhaps I'm one of them... Or maybe he's right and every time he confides in me I say there must be more to the story. Either way, as time goes by I think we are talking about less and sharing less and it just doesn't feel good.

I am feeling very alone in some ways lately. Uncertain about what i want and what he wants and what I need to do and what I should just give up to God.. what does he want from me what hasn't he resolved in his head about the past.. what have I neglected... can i be in a relationship where the person is uncertain about certain things that I know I want? Is it fair to do that? Am I just looking for a way out? Does he want a way out? Should I still be worrying that I am a distraction?

To me, he says he appreciates me that he loves me that I'm smart and compassionate and funny. What does he tell others? Maybe that I'm manipulative and jealous and scared all the time. Maybe this is who I really am. If I told others about him, what would I say? Probably wrap it up very neatly and tie it with a bow.

I'm rambling. I can't help it. I think I just need some time to think.

Day 28 - March 24, 2007

Incline Chest Press DB - 10, 12, 15x12
Chest Flye Machine - 30x10, 6, 8
Flat Chest Press DB - 10x10, 12x10

Lat Pull Down - 40, 50, 60x10
TBar - NWx10, 5x10(2)
Lat Row - 30x10, 37.5x10, 45x10

Military Press - 10x12(3)
Superset -
Upright Row 15, 25, 20x10 / Front Raises 10x10(3)
Lateral Raises - 5x10(3)

Elliptical - 6 minutes

Day 27 - Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Squat Machine - 40, 60, 70, 80x12
Superset - Leg Curl/Extension - 30, 35, 40x10
Toe Press - 50x30, 70x20, 70x20
Calf Raise Machine - NWx10

Bicycle - 10 minutes

W/James - felt very tired today

The mirror your holding up to me shows that I am

• irrational, distrustful, neurotic, unfair, impatient, manic, guarded
• second place, baggage claim

Day 26 - March 12, 2007

Arnold Press - 10x10(2); 10x7
Military Press - 10x10
Superset
Upright Row - 15, 20, 25x10
Front Raises - 15x10(3)
Lateral Raises - 5x10; 8x10(2)
Anterior Raises - 5x10(2)

EZ Curls - 15x10, 20x10(2)
Hammer Curls - 8x10; 10x6; 8x10

Triceps Machine - 20, 25, 30x10
Overhead Triceps Press - 15x10(3)

Elliptical Machine - 30 minutes (271 calories although I was very not slow about it!)

6:45pm - 8:15pm

Day 25 - March 8, 2007

Lat Pulldown Machine - 40, 55, 55x10
TBar - NWx10, 5x10(2)
Lat Row Machine - 45, 37.5, 45x10
Dumbbell Pullover - 15, 20, 20x10
Back Extension Machine - 70, 80, 90x10 - cheated a little on the 90

Stationary Bike - 15 minutes

Day 24 - March 7, 2007

Incumbent Bike - 10 minutes

Squat - 40, 50, 60, 70x12
Abductor Machine - 30, 35, 40x12
Superset -
Leg Extension - 30, 35, 40x10
Leg Curl - 30, 35, 40x10
Calf Press - 90x20(2); 100x10
Single Leg CP - 50x10(2)
Calf Press - 50x50
Adductor - 30, 35, 40x12

ARC Trainer - 20 minutes

Day 23 - March 6, 2007

Incumbent bike - 10 minutes

Arnold Press - (different dumbbell set) - 10x10(2); 10x6 - really f'in hard
Military Press - 10x10
Superset -
Upright Row - 15, 20, 25x10 -hard but not tear or curse inducing
Front Raises - 15x10(3)
-next time need to incorporate Lateral Raises!!

EZ Curl - 15x10; 20x10(2); 20x7 (b/c Rosi came to bother me)
Incline Dumbbell Curls - 8x10; 10x10(2)

Triceps Machine - 25x12; 30x12; 35x3 (too fucking hard); 30x8
Nosebreakers - 15x10(3)

Incumbent Machine - 35 minutes

Day 22 - March 5, 2007

Went to Werblin at 5:30 - ridiculously packed for spring breakers
Went to Livingston - not bad

Incumbent Bike - 35 minutes - 6 miles

Day 22 - March 5, 2007

Went to Werblin at 5:30 - ridiculously packed for spring breakers
Went to Livingston - not bad

Incumbent Bike - 35 minutes - 6 miles

Day 21 - March 3, 2007

Lat Pull Down - 40x10(3)
Narrow Grip Rows - 30x10, 37.5x10, 45x10
Dumbbell Pullover - 12x10(3)
One Armed Lat Row - 12x10(2)
Hyperextension - NWx10, 10x10(2)

Calf Press - 110x10

Elliptical Machine - 30 minutes

Chest Butterfly Machine - 30x10(3)
Chest Press - NWx8(3)

10:45-11:45am

Day 20 - March 1, 2007

Elliptical Machine - 35 minutes

6-7pm

Girlishly Vent

wondering if he is going to decide to meet up with her. Driving me a little insane waiting to hear. Actually, that's not true. For the most part I don't even remember, but then when I DO remember I get all worried and anxious like why? Why?! In all honesty though I think I am slowly getting better with the whole trust thing. This corny book might actually be helping - well, that coupled with the fact that I am also very slowly feeling a little more confident about myself.

Anyways, I am wondering if I should bring it up again. The next to the last time I did he had said he already forgot about it and he only remembers when I bring it up. The last time he said he still wasn't sure if he wanted to go ahead and do it. Ugh ugh ugh. Why? Why?!? I honestly would be hard pressed to understand why he would want to other than to see what this woman is up to and perhaps for a bit of confidence boosting. But maybe that's just me.

On another note, even with all my neuroses, I think I'm a pretty damn good girlfriend. (I can and should do my own confidence boosting at times)

Side Note: Redo resume - send to Jeannie; re-do resume with retail - send to Glenda
Exciting!