Being

in this relationship is a lot harder to navigate than I anticipated. I don't know what I was thinking... two years ago there was so much uncertainty in my life with regards to relationships and school and work. Just two years ago, I graduated from the GSE. I was going out all the time or at least every Thursday and Friday, juggling friendships and introducing new ones. I was also inviting emotional intimacy to him when I probably had no right to do soand no forethought or desire to think about the consequences. A broken marriage, inconsistent trust, passion over comfort than comfort over passion, sharing, sharing, sharing now withdrawing, hiding, scary, the past pushing its way into our lives at every chance it gets... it's all wrapped up in this story that we have that sometimes makes me incredibly sad when I think about it. So I try not to think about it.

What do I even want from this relationship? I'm embroiled in a cliche internal struggle where one part of me says I am not and will never be ready for an intimate relationship and that it is unfair to the other to even try. The other part of me says you really do want a loving, supportive, open relationship but don't know how to do it

I think in the past I knew what I contributed to his life. I think I was compassionate, understanding, easy to talk to, fun. I am not so sure that I feel those ways anymore. I feel that as much as he says I don't trust him, that he no longer trusts me. That everything is something to be kept in. Last night he was so out of it. Saddish. I knew it. He talked to me about the stresses of the class he is taking. I believe it's a big part of his stress.. but I believe there are other things, as well. Perrhaps I'm one of them... Or maybe he's right and every time he confides in me I say there must be more to the story. Either way, as time goes by I think we are talking about less and sharing less and it just doesn't feel good.

I am feeling very alone in some ways lately. Uncertain about what i want and what he wants and what I need to do and what I should just give up to God.. what does he want from me what hasn't he resolved in his head about the past.. what have I neglected... can i be in a relationship where the person is uncertain about certain things that I know I want? Is it fair to do that? Am I just looking for a way out? Does he want a way out? Should I still be worrying that I am a distraction?

To me, he says he appreciates me that he loves me that I'm smart and compassionate and funny. What does he tell others? Maybe that I'm manipulative and jealous and scared all the time. Maybe this is who I really am. If I told others about him, what would I say? Probably wrap it up very neatly and tie it with a bow.

I'm rambling. I can't help it. I think I just need some time to think.